From Orlando to Utopia

A Serious Multicultural Proposal –


On June 12, 2016 Omar Mateen, who had pledged allegiance to the Islamic State, shot 102 people in a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida killing 49 of them. The event is allegedly the worst mass shooting by a single individual in U.S. history.

Freedom is what we’re all about in America. That’s why gay people have rights, thank goodness. They have the right to hold regular jobs and get married, and openly advertise their public debaucheries. They even have the legal perk of being able to force anyone they want to make them cake. Which is great. I mean, freedom is what we’re all about.

And also because freedom is what we’re all about, a person with possible ties to the Islamic State has a perfect right to be licensed for firearms and move about freely, at least until he actually commits a crime. Just imagine for a moment a society that required total fealty to the realm, where groups with seditious ambitions suffered sudden and severe repercussions, and public displays of perversion and weakness were forbidden. That would be oppressive. That’s not who we are in America.

On the other hand, I do feel sort of oppressed by the continual open wound of mass shootings. It’s stressful to live in a country where lots of people spend a great deal of their time hating lots of other people. It’s weird. You’d think with so much freedom that we could all just get along. Why so uptight, dudes? Final Fantasy 15 is coming out, it’s gonna be sick. Just chill, bro.

I wish. Realistically, people aren’t going to chill. Hate happens. So here’s my plan. Thing is, and you’re probably not going to like it, part of the plan is that we have to go along with the Alt-Right just a bit. I know, I know, they’re Nazis, or toothless trailer trash rejects, or pimply nerds in mom’s basement. Sometimes all three. Anime waifus, etc. But hear me out.

We don’t want to give up our enrichment. Diversity is our strength. And really, Islam is a religion of peace, so the Muslims shouldn’t mind what I’m proposing. Here’s what we do: we ask every Muslim immigrant to sign a Declaration of Gay Rights. Something like, “I, Achmed, do hereby declare my tolerance for and brotherhood with the LGBTQ2FPLM community, and affirm their joyful dancing and naked leather festivals. Melting pot, blah blah blah, etc.”

Heck, let’s just make *everyone* sign it, like to register to vote, or own a business. That way, we can legally deport anyone who displays homophobic attitudes. Let’s face it, if we have to choose between Muslims and gays, we should go with gays. They’re funny and cute and give great haircuts. They make great friends for lonely feminists.

Now, you might rightfully argue that if we force Muslim immigrants to sign the Declaration of Gay rights before entering, and deport those here who won’t sign it, it will enrage the Muslims in the Middle East and fuel ISIS and breed more terrorists. So this is the genius part of my plan. You don’t understand, I became a genius sort of by accident. We deport them to some cherry real estate. Buy a tropical archipelago and build a luxury Sharia resort for them. Middle Eastern Muslims will even go there on vacation and be overcome with gratitude toward the U.S. and reject ISIS.

If my plan works — and it will — queers will be free to dance joyfully, and Muslims will be free to come here and practice and preach Islam (the 99% peaceful part, not the 1% bigoted part that doesn’t represent Islam anyway). Freedom for all.

I told you, I’m a genius. In fact, I have a second plan even better than the first. We elect Donald Trump. We give the right everything they want on immigration. All of it. The wall, the whole deal. And while they’re celebrating, we’ll ram through bills that open up the human right of marriage to anyone and anything, any age, any species. Love is love. We can turn the wall into the largest gay nightclub in the world, 4,000 miles of sassy queens and bears bumping and grinding on Mexico. The right will will collapse, and we’ll finally have our own progressive utopia.

And then four to eight years later when Trump is gone we can let the immigrants back in.

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